It has been a fucking fucking long time since i've blogged! Nothing to do at home now, so decided to update abit. Yesterday had a quarrel with bf, actually not really very big quarrel. But these few days we kept quarreling about the slightest thing you can ever think of. And these few days also blame my mouth, i scolded him back also.......... But finally, yesterday night we were alright. We were almost separated for good. Luckily i managed to talk things out with him. *phewwww*

Have been jobless since end of September till now. Basically slacking my time away, my money is running low ~ Can't even shop like how i used to in the past. Haven't been shopping for the longest time as bf doesn't really like me spending money. But still, i don't fail to spend finish my pay every month. Cabs are sucking me dry ~ Sigh. Earn money hard, spend money fast la. But tomorrow i got a interview at 10.30am, Ngee Ann City. Actually i got not much hopes that i'll get the job, so i don't really feel like going. Got a feeling i'll be wasting my time down. Should i go? Boring lah.

& i realised there are many many october babies! Woohoo ~ Of course i'm ONE OF THEM. HAHAHAHHAA! Happy birthday to all october babiessssssss ~

It's been so long since i last updated. Didn't intend to touch this space anymore, till i've gotten back together with him. As i wanted this blog's last post to be about both of us. Lol. Stupid me. But now cause i've accepted the fact. I know i've said this countless of times about giving up, but this time it's for real. Cause it's till today, we really talked things out. I also understand that sometimes once the feeling is gone, it'll never be back anymore. Just like what he said in the past, "When you pour a water out, you'll never get the same water back anymore." But different now. Cause i can't even get any water back. For the past months, i've been lying to myself always. I've always convinced myself with what i thought that was the truth. But actually of course, my mindset was totally wrong. I don't blame him. I don't blame myself too. Cause i know i've tried my best. No use dragging, making him suffer with me when the feeling can never be back. A relationship without love, there won't be happiness too. I used to shift all the soft toys at my bed away when i go to bed every night, leaving only our soft toy beside me. I'll press it once in a while, as there's his voice inside. I'll always smile to myself, listening to his voice. But today, after shifting all the soft toys, i shifted our soft toy too. Cause i want to remind myself, you're gone for good this time. I don't think i'm strong to make this decision. I just think that i don't have a decision at all. I don't have a choice.. I have to, MUST accept this. To be honest, i'm really damn reluctant to accept this. Friends around me know that i really can go out of my mind for him. Friends will say me stupid, but i didn't find myself stupid to do all those foolish things for him. But no matter how reluctant and unwilling, the fact is still the fact. I really tried to change the fact, i tried so hard, but i know no matter how much effort i put in, how much tears, how much i beg him, the truth is there isn't anymore love. I got no choice but to accept it. After today, i know we'll never be together again. No more hopes, no more nothing. This is life. I just gotta accept this fact.. He don't love me anymore.. It's not his fault. If really someone has to take the blame, it's me.

Us, two years back. <3

I'll change, for the better.. I'll change, for the sake of you and myself. I'll change everything that you don't like about me. I'll change, trust me.. I know, you're sick and tired of hearing me repeating the same things again and again, but i never did change at all. But this time, i really will. I'll let actions prove it. I believe in our love, that's why i choose to continue and not give up.. I don't care what others say. I don't mind them saying me naive.. I stick to my decision even after others tell me to move on.. Cause i believe you're worth everything that i do.. People might not know, you used to be the best boyfriend ever. Although the past caused us lots of unhappy memories, but there's also lots of happy memories for us too. :) I always believe in you and our love. And i know this time there's no exception too. Everything's caused by my fucked up attitude and i'll sure change that. :) Nobody understands how i feel. How much we've gone through together, it's not an easy task.. We've been through so much, so many ups and downs. This relationship is hard to come by, and so i won't let go of it anymore. I've been a fool in the past, a fool that doesn't know how to treasure and appreciate but i won't anymore. I've had your forgiven too easily in the past, and that's why i did not learn how to appreciate and treasure. This time, i'm gonna win them back all by my efforts. It's gonna be a long and hard way, but no matter what i won't give up anymore. It'll all be worth it. I believe it will.

[Edited]
Seriously, i think that i'm already very lucky. Lucky that Bg is willing to give me a chance to change again afterall. I know that although he did not mention it out, he's already giving me a chance for me to change. I always thought to myself, why can't he just give me a chance? But all along, i did not know that he was already giving. But i ruined it by myself yet again. I'm so glad that now he still gives me this last chance. I'll never ruin it again myself anymore. This time gonna be the last time, and i'll cherish it. I wanna prove to him that i can do it. :)
[/Edited]

在你的记忆里面有一个我
在你最痛苦的时候陪你度过
难过过了 天晴朗了 我就走

你拯救我的寂寞 我的痛我的梦
在你的面前 我不必保留
还来不及对你说
迟到的我的心动

你的好 你的坏
我的脾气你最懂
我不要你心疼我(林: 我不要你离开我)
明天的以后我们会懂
失恋的挫折让人变更成熟

泳:我对你 感觉胜过爱情
林: 因为有你 给我勇气给我用不完的运气
林: 其实也想好好爱你
泳:只怕到最后不小心 让你伤心 (林: 我不怕会伤心)
合: 对不起 我对你 再好再亲密都不能在一起
林: 最后看你在别人怀里
泳:有天我会找到我的唯一(林: 我并不是你的唯一)
合: 还微笑祝福你

林: 你拯救我的寂寞 我的痛我的梦
在你的面前 我不必保留
泳:我从来没对你说
压抑的 我的心动

林: 我的好 我的坏 我的脾气你最懂
泳:我不要你来心疼我
合:明天的以后我们会懂
失恋的挫折让人变更成熟

泳:我对你 感觉胜过爱情
林: 因为有你 给我勇气给我用不完的运气
林: 其实也想好好爱你
泳:只怕到最后不小心 让你伤心 (林: 我不怕会伤心)
合: 对不起 我对你 再好再亲密都不能在一起
林: 最后看你在别人怀里
泳:有天我会找到我的唯一(林: 我并不是你的唯一)
合: 还微笑祝福你

泳:爱情总让人折磨
林: 所以我们才选择
合: 做比情人更好的朋友

泳:我对你 感觉胜过爱情
林: 因为有你 给我勇气给我用不完的运气
林: 其实也想好好爱你
泳:只怕到最后不小心 让你伤心 (林: 我不怕会伤心)
合: 对不起 我对你 再好再亲密都不能在一起
林: 最后看你在别人怀里
泳:有天我会找到我的唯一(林: 我并不是你的唯一)
合: 还微笑祝福你

Sometimes i feel that actually everything is going on fine, quite okay, but i ruined it again by myself. I'm too sensitive. I'm too sticky to him. It's been so long, but it has never changed before. 2 years ago, i stick to him worse than superglue. One minute without him by my side, i'll go bonkers. I just love to stick to him. And now, it's still the same. Although i don't and i can't stick to him everyday anymore, but it's almost the same. Knowing that he hates me calling him umpteen times, i still did.. I don't know what the fuck i was doing also. But i hate myself for having this kinda behavior. I really made him fucking angry with me afew days ago and now we're getting more distant when we already are. Fucking hate it. I really ruined it myself man. I'm supposed to salvage this relationship but i'm making it worse. I hate myself, seriously. > :( Sigh!

What i want is too much? People says that after giving in for long, the opposite party will realise your good and appreciate you. But why am i not appreciated? I really can't be compared to even the most least important friend of his. I'm not important, unappreciated. It'd be better if he would just treat me like his good friend but even that also seems impossible? Why can't he just think for me sometimes? Put himself in my shoes, try to understand how i feel. I just need some love, some concern, some attention from him. Is it so difficult? Fuck my life, seriously. I'll never ever be the one he'll think of at night. Can someone teach me how to give up? :(

Is what G said right? Trying to salvage this relationship is really wrong? :( Can someone tell me what to do? Sigh.

Update again before work resumes tomorrow! So fast, and tomorrow gotta work already. But at least this weekend i enjoyed it! :)

Saturday, 14/3/10.

Caught Being Human at Cine with Bg, Yongchye & Co. I am very happy yesterday cause Bg was nice to me. Hehehehe. He tried to catch bear for me at Cine cause he promised me before, although we failed very miserably, but i'm still happy! Bought movie tickets for the 2am show after that we and went to the K-pool as the guys wanted to play Billard. And bg keep giving me $1 coin to play the machine cause i was not playing. Okok, maybe not good to many people out there but these things makes me happy already! Cause he's a guy who won't do sweet things for girls etc one. Okay, maybe won't do sweet things to me only. LOL! Really hope things would be better when times goes by! :) Woohoo.

After playing billard, went to play LAN but the connection sucks big time. Cannot play Garena lor. Then i tried to catch bear myself while they're playing and i failed veryveryveryvery terribly! LOL. Okay lah, i also don't like to spend money catching bear cause i think it's a very waste. And the bears on my bed is taking up HALF of my bed. I wanna keep all of them already.

After playing lan, smoked etc and we went up for our movie! Just nice! The movie was quite funny etc. But i fell asleep halfway! Really fucking tired. Bg woke me up. & he say that he was very shocked that i was sleeping lor cause i was the one who keep wanting to come watch this show and ended up i slept. Lol. But the ending is quite lame. -.-"

After watching movie, headed home. IP MAN 2 IS COMING OUT!! I WANNA WATCH!! 29TH APRIL! Can't wait lah!! It's fucking nice lor! I WANNA WATCH WITH BG!! LOL.

Really hope i can spend my Saturdays like this always! :) I should learn to be contented with now already, and wait patiently for Bg to come back! :)